IT'S BEEN A WHILE, I'M SORRY

And that is pretty much the exact same phrase that I begin every phone conversation with these days.
I am off the grid! (And by "off the grid" I mean that I no longer have any contact with human beings that don't go to my school.)
So, life has been crazy lately, and I've certainly been drinking my share of Johnny Walker Red and I've also been doing my share of studying at law school and gettin fuckin A's on everything, bitch!
(I'm sorry to call you bitch, I really like you and calling someone bitch isn't very nice at all.)
There have been lots of exciting things going on in my life though. For instance, I MET SOMEONE AND WE HAVE FALLEN IN LOVE! He's super cute and loves to give me attention, but he doesn't talk much. Well, whatever, I talk enough for the both of us! He loves to listen to my theories about how everyone should be scared of extraterrestrials and about how the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse showed up at the Kentucky Derby this year and also that people can get HIV from nail salons and he really finds it interesting that I will forever be opposed to everything that happens on the International Space Station. Last night I told him that I think my roommate is a serial killer and he just squished up his nose all adorable-like, which I take to mean that he totally loves to hear my voice.
Here's a picture of him:

Also, he totally understands why I think Whitney Houston is an undercover CIA agent and that fresh-water fishing will save our civilization after the shit goes down, He also agrees with me that Melanie Griffith is from a mutant stem cell species that was bred in an underground lair where the government did crazy experiments with breeding humans. And I just whisper to him all night about how I hate the Jews (I don't really hate the Jews I just hate Israel) and about how sometimes people can be rude on the bus, and then there's all that stuff about how I think that Tupac and Biggie and Saddam Hussein and Hitler are still alive and hangin' out in Micronesia, just mindin their own beeswax and avoiding fame, because fame traps people into a special prison that only personal trainers and good cocaine can make life plausible, at best.
I'm losing my mind but I still love you guys,
-katie

KEYBOARD CAT!

(I ripped this off from www.chiefmag.com, thanks hipsters!)

I AM THE BEN FRANKLIN OF BLOGGERS!

For instance, just like Benjamin Franklin I write quotable proverbs all of the time, like this one:
"Pull yourself up by the bootstraps! I pull myself up by the bootstraps all of the time, but the straps of my boots are very small and not visible (they're made out of dental floss.)"
Also, like Ben Franklin, I drink tons of booze and create inventions. He invented electricity and I invented a toaster oven that's powered by solar panels, so that you can take that toaster oven on camping trips. Toast is always a good idea!
The only difference between me and Ben Franklin is that he contracted tons of STDs from French prostitutes, and I contracted my STDs while working on the carnival circuit.
Just kidding! I don't have any STDs!

(p.s. I have a MAJOR PHOBIA of getting struck by lightning, unlike Ben Franklin because obviously he loves to get struck by lightning, that was like his "thing.")
love
katie

"CLASSIC" "ROCK"

Dear Classic Rock Radio Station,
System of a Down is NOT classic rock. It is neither "classic", nor is it "rock."
So stop playing System of a Down songs all of the time. Listening to the radio is free, but I would pay lots of money to not hear System of a Down ever again in my life.
Thanks,
Katie

THE GREYHOUND BUS COMPANY IS MY ENEMY NOW

You guys, I had a terrible Greyhound bus experience yesterday.
The morning started out awesome, I was all packed up and headed for Boston to see some awesome and beloved friends! We had plans to catch up and do fun things and generally everything was supposed to go really well!
But then I missed my 9 o'clock bus. And then I finally arrived at Port Authority at 11:30 to catch the noon bus, and there was a total log jam of customer service, and I realized that everyone that rides the 'Hound is either fleeing some bail-bond situation or some other dysfunctional mess. The man in front of me, reacting to the slowness of the line, said "I was in jail for five years and I got more respect there than I do on the outside." Okay. Well good luck to you, jailbird.
So I finally got up to the front of the line and I was STARVING because I went to an open bar party on a friggen boat the night before and didn't eat dinner on the boat and etc etc I needed to eat, but I also needed to get on the bus to go to Boston. So then the Greyhound lady was like, "You're going to Albany, right?" and I'm like, "No, I went there last spring and Albany is so depressing that I will never go to that godforsaken city again." And she was all, "Well, you have no ticket to go to Boston." So despite the fact that I booked a ticket online for $40, I had to buy another ticket. No big deal, at least I was gonna go see my friends!
Then I ran to the bus with a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos and a fuckin muffin in a bag (because I don't trust any perishable food that they sell at the Port Authority bus depot) and I looked for my phone to tell my friends in Boston that I'm on the bus, I'll be there at 4 instead of noon, and then I realized that I totally forgot my phone at my house! THAT TURNED OUT TO BE A MAJOR PROBLEM. All that I had was my laptop and had no internet signal and there was no way for me to contact them at all. Then I fell asleep on the bus for a little while even though there were all of these weird people on there, spitting on the ground and swearing at each other in Spanish and all of this crazy shit.
Then we arrived in Boston at 4:30 and at the bus station in Boston I was able to get an internet signal for like five seconds, and wrote on my friend's Facebook wall that I was there and would wait for them at the "entrance at South Station." So, I waited for like two hours. Those two hours were fucking awful. One crackhead lady came up to me and lunged at my laptop and she was only wearing a t-shirt and shorts, even though it was like 35 degrees outside. She said some confusing stuff about dragons or something. Another little strange man kept on trying to talk to me while he was holding court in front of the bus station, like, "Smile! Don't worry, they'll come to pick you up!" I really wanted to say, "No shit, Sherlock, if they knew that I was here with the likes of you vagrants they'd be here in a heartbeat but I DON'T HAVE MY PHONE WITH ME AND I CAN'T CALL THEM, so back off!" I called my best friend from a pay phone because her number is the only one that I have memorized, and I left her a voicemail and then called her back from that payphone after spending an hour with "the homeless" outside of the bus station, and she totally ran interference and called my friends in Boston for me. Apparently my beloved Boston friends were waiting in a different area outside of the bus station for like an hour, or more. In the meantime, while I was on that payphone I remembered several news stories that I heard about how payphones are riddled with germs and tons of toxic bacteria and then I imagined that I could get like pinkeye and ebola and salmonella and other nefarious infectious diseases from the pay phone receiver. Then I was convinced that my ear was probably going to rot and fall off of my head very soon.
Oh and also while I was in front of the Boston bus station, another member of "The Homeless" was doing all of these very exuberant and intricate karate kicks and air-punches like he was in some fucking Jackie Chan movie and he almost kicked me in the face while shouting, "I'll kill all of you, ALL OF YOU TONIGHT!"
Needless to say, at 7:30 I boarded a bus back to New York and tried to stop crying about how depressed I was about the whole situation. While attempting to read for my Family Law class I heard some huge African-American man in the back of the bus scream into his cell phone, "YOU'RE A FUCKING SLUT, YOU HO! SLUT!" That conversation went on for a while. Apparently they have some problems in their relationship. Coincidentally, the Family Law reading that I was catching up on was about domestic violence. Fate rears its ugly head again! I finally arrived back at Port Authority in Manhattan at midnight and took a cab back to Queens and it cost me $35. So, I spent a grand total of $160 to hang out at the bus station in Boston for two hours. FAIL.
I might try to go back to Boston next weekend to have Easter dinner with my friends there, but at this point I'm a bit gun-shy about the Greyhound busses, Boston, and families.
Also, do you guys remember when no one had cell phones? HOW DID WE MAKE OUR LIVES WORK WITHOUT CELL PHONES??
Love
Katie

HOME PERMS

Hi,
There's a girl in my class at school that has very pretty and naturally curly hair, and sometimes I look at her hair while I'm in class and I'm like, "I want that kind of hair!"
So I was just conducting a little bit of internet research because I think that I want to perm my hair soon, but the evidence that I found about perms is totally awful and I refuse to subject any part of my body to such toxic chemicals.
This is a cautionary tale! Do not try a home perm unless you want to look like this:

HE IS OBVIOUSLY A HOME PERM VICTIM.
love,
katie

YOU'RE EATIN' GOOD IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD: APPLEBEE'S

Hello to you, my goddamn internet friends!
Tonight I had a martini for the first time in my life, and it was at an Applebee's restaurant inside of a mall!
Martinis are gross!
love
katie

THIS IS WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN HAD NO TALENT AND ALSO LOVED MATH: (AND ALSO IF HIS VOICE SOUNDED LIKE MEATLOAF'S VOICE)

A LOAF OF BREAD, A CONTAINER OF MILK, AND A STICK OF BUTTER

HAPPY APRIL FOOL'S DAY!

You guys,
This is my favorite holiday! I have compiled some pretty awesome April Fool's Day pranks over the years! I'll let you in on my secret tricks, if that's the sort of thing that you like to do:

QUICKSAND TRICK
1. Figure out who you're going to play the prank on.
2. Get a shovel, a shitload of quicksand*, some sod, and $500 in gold bricks.
3. Go to the person's house when they're not home, or possibly fast asleep. I usually go there at like 3am, just to be safe.
4. Dig an 8 foot by 6 foot trench in their backyard.
5. Fill the trench with quicksand and then cover it with sod.
6. Put the gold bricks on the other side of the sod.
7. Hide in the bushes for a while and wait for them to discover that gold.
8. They see it now! Then they let their greed get the best of them and trust that their lawn is safe and that there's no way that they could possibly get tricked into falling into a trench full of quicksand!
9. They fall into the quicksand. If no one is around to see them struggle, they probably fight it and try to escape for a while, and then slowly but surely they sink to the bottom of the trench!
10. Break into their house, steal all of the valuables (jewelry, flat-screen television, important documents that you can use to steal their identity and abscond funds from their bank accounts after doing some major computer hacking into databases and whatnot, plus then find their most expensive clothes, their fancy microwave, etc.) Hey, you can steal whatever you want because that bitch is forehead-deep in quicksand and probably suffocating! Like they'll notice that you're looting their house?
11. Celebrate your victory by raiding their liquor cabinet of the finest scotch that you can find, dispose of the shovel, wipe off your fingerprints from when you broke into the house, and proceed to the pawn shop or "fence" so that you can sell all of their shit!

See, now THAT is a funny trick! I have several others, like the MICE IN THE TUPPERWARE trick and the SWEATPANTS THUNDER trick and, my personal favorite, the STEAL UNDERGRAD TRANSCRIPTS TO MAKE THEM A MORTUARY SCIENCE MAJOR trick!

love
katie

p.s. Here's a website about how quicksand works: http://www.howstuffworks.com/quicksand.htm

I BOUGHT THIS APPLE AND IT'S TOO PRETTY TO EAT

So, I think I'll just stare at it instead.
Thanks,
Katie

MORE FUN THAN PLAYING GOLF

THANK GOD: FINALLY!!!

Just yesterday I was thinking, "when's another fuckin Tom Hanks movie about the Illuminati gonna come out??"

WHOOMP HAIR IT IS!!!